**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
