i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize