Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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