Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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