He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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