my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
