I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize