omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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