im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
