I hope mine doesn't look like that
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Randomize
