I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
