I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
