I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
