my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
