My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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