Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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