i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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