all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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