He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
