I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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