I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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