The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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