3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
