okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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