I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
