Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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