So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
