this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
