The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
