respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize