Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
