last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize