he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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