We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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