the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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