No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
