Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
