how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
