well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
