If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
either way he was missing a nipple.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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