I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
