Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
