Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
