I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
