I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
