it's too hot outside to masturbate.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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