you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize