I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
