Soap is not a condiment
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
