Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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