There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
