u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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