new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
