Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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