apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
