just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize