I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
