dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
