I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Randomize
