All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
