And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
