Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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